It is pain that has set me free. In my life, I find that when I allow myself to feel the emotion within me, everything becomes clearer. It is as if within the pain itself is an endless sense of joy, the joy that comes from feeling and being alive.
These days are wonderous. I am sleeping for the first time in years. I don't remember the last time I've slept so deeply or so long. At around midnight I feel my eyes dropping, which hasn't happened since I dont know when. And I go to bed and I wake up the next day at noon, the sun shining through my window, and there is no sense of stress or anxiety about the day. There may be a the feeling of emptiness from unfulfilled dreams the night before, but nothing unpleasant.
I am content despite the fact in the eyes of society, I don't amount to very much. I have no job; I have no concrete goals for the future; I've forfeited my "greatest" achievement to date. These things used to matter to me, but now they are but a faint memory that occasionally arises when my path becomes unclear. Because, you see, I have so much more than most people in this world. I have a mother and brother who love me more than anything. I have friends who understand and believe in me and because I have these thing I have developed a profound sense of faith in myself.
What people don't realize is that they really can make a significant difference in the world. They don't see the capabilities and gifts within themselves and so they resort to unfulfilling jobs and shallow relationships - they've convinced themselves that they don't deserve any better. I mean, you make a difference every day by how you choose to treat perfect strangers, how you choose to react to different situations when they arise. Within each person you interact with is a chance for deep understanding and love.
Twice now I've been followed by a car while walking home in Edmonton. Both times the men in the cars were looking for sex, nothing deep or meaningful. On the first occasion, I convinced the man to get out of his car and take a walk with me. By the end of that walk, he ended up spilling his heart about how he felt about himself and the world and it was so beautiful, his pain and torment, but also his hope at the end. He had immigrated to Canada from India when he was in high school and for the sake of his family, he said he would never allow himself to love a man. I told him that one day he would, that he was beautiful and that he deserved the greatest love in the world. And I hugged him and I left, knowing that a seed had been planted. One day he would be free.
The second time, I was walking home from a movie by myself, and I noticed that a black sedan was passing by me over and over again. I wanted to ignore it, but everytime I decided to keep walking, the wind blew harder. I'm a believer in omens and signs, so i listened. I walked to the edge of the sidewalk and got in when the car stopped. The first thing I told him was that I hadn't gotten in for the reason he thought. The second thing I said was "do you believe in god?" He said yes and then I asked him if he believed in coincidence and he said yes again. I told him that it was coincidence that had brought us together and that there was a reason for it. I told him he was unhappy and asked what was missing in his life. And from that moment began an 8 hour conversation about the nature of life and what truly matters. He took me home at 4 in the morning. A fresh blanket of snow had fallen, a new beginning.
Those were some of the most fulfulling and magical moments in my life. I realized the power that I had within myself, the power that all of us hold, to change a situation devoid of hope to something that proves that there is something truly beautiful about being human. Things like that happen every day if you choose it to be. And that is how we are going to make this world a paradise.
These days are wonderous. I am sleeping for the first time in years. I don't remember the last time I've slept so deeply or so long. At around midnight I feel my eyes dropping, which hasn't happened since I dont know when. And I go to bed and I wake up the next day at noon, the sun shining through my window, and there is no sense of stress or anxiety about the day. There may be a the feeling of emptiness from unfulfilled dreams the night before, but nothing unpleasant.
I am content despite the fact in the eyes of society, I don't amount to very much. I have no job; I have no concrete goals for the future; I've forfeited my "greatest" achievement to date. These things used to matter to me, but now they are but a faint memory that occasionally arises when my path becomes unclear. Because, you see, I have so much more than most people in this world. I have a mother and brother who love me more than anything. I have friends who understand and believe in me and because I have these thing I have developed a profound sense of faith in myself.
What people don't realize is that they really can make a significant difference in the world. They don't see the capabilities and gifts within themselves and so they resort to unfulfilling jobs and shallow relationships - they've convinced themselves that they don't deserve any better. I mean, you make a difference every day by how you choose to treat perfect strangers, how you choose to react to different situations when they arise. Within each person you interact with is a chance for deep understanding and love.
Twice now I've been followed by a car while walking home in Edmonton. Both times the men in the cars were looking for sex, nothing deep or meaningful. On the first occasion, I convinced the man to get out of his car and take a walk with me. By the end of that walk, he ended up spilling his heart about how he felt about himself and the world and it was so beautiful, his pain and torment, but also his hope at the end. He had immigrated to Canada from India when he was in high school and for the sake of his family, he said he would never allow himself to love a man. I told him that one day he would, that he was beautiful and that he deserved the greatest love in the world. And I hugged him and I left, knowing that a seed had been planted. One day he would be free.
The second time, I was walking home from a movie by myself, and I noticed that a black sedan was passing by me over and over again. I wanted to ignore it, but everytime I decided to keep walking, the wind blew harder. I'm a believer in omens and signs, so i listened. I walked to the edge of the sidewalk and got in when the car stopped. The first thing I told him was that I hadn't gotten in for the reason he thought. The second thing I said was "do you believe in god?" He said yes and then I asked him if he believed in coincidence and he said yes again. I told him that it was coincidence that had brought us together and that there was a reason for it. I told him he was unhappy and asked what was missing in his life. And from that moment began an 8 hour conversation about the nature of life and what truly matters. He took me home at 4 in the morning. A fresh blanket of snow had fallen, a new beginning.
Those were some of the most fulfulling and magical moments in my life. I realized the power that I had within myself, the power that all of us hold, to change a situation devoid of hope to something that proves that there is something truly beautiful about being human. Things like that happen every day if you choose it to be. And that is how we are going to make this world a paradise.
posted by QC at 12:07 PM
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