Travelling is always a healing journey. This morning I awoke to deep pain. Memories from the past few years surfaced as I laid in my hostel bed, staring outside at a beautiful Saturday morning.

Funny how the past can creep up on you unawares.

What came up this morning was how I felt after my mother's attempted suicide a few years ago. Those were the most painful moments of my life. I remember the room in the emergency psych ward - sterile, cold and grey. I remember my mother's doctor. He was a beautiful, friendly man. In my mind I would say to him "if you asked me to go away with you, someplace far away, I would say yes."

Life was painful then, but also unbelievably clear. Suddenly it seemed the world faded away, the stress of school and my fear of the future. Only the moment mattered. In the evenings I would take my brother, then 4 years old to the movie store. I would rent him a movie, and rent myself one. One night in particular stood out for me. The sun had set, and a deep blue had settled over the early summer evening. My brother held my hand as we walked toward home. We stop and I look into his eyes. "Jimmy, i will never abandon you ok?" I told him. Ok, he answered.

I remember thinking at that moment that if I had to leave my life behind and raise Jimmy, I would do it in a heartbeat. It was at that time that the pain I was feeling somehow made me transcend myself. I changed then. In a way towards the better and in another towards the worse. I was not as selfish as I used to be, but I also loved myself less.

It would not be until a couple years later, after experiencing much emotional abuse in my first relationship, that I regained my sense of self-worth.

But that's another story for another time.

Now, evening draws upon Vancouver. The sky has clouded over again and rain will fall tonight and my dream continues.