Last night in my dreams, i descended into the river. The water was warm. The other shore was obscure, dark, and unknown.

I waded close to the middle of the water where current was fast and unforgiving. If I had walked further then perhaps it would have sweeped me up in it's strength and torn me under, bearing me eventually to the other shore. There a new path would begin.

But I had no interest in that place yet, I stayed within the shallows, comtemplating, thinking about something unbeknowst to my conscious mind. And then, a scene of wonderment. People were jumping into the river from a cliff. But there intent was never to die, but to live, to go to the place where the water would take them.

I helped a woman and her child from floating too close to the middle of the river. And then I followed them down the water...into something new, into wherever the river flowed.

Dear QC,


Your mail really touched me. It takes guts, and I
guess I can understand some of the feelings you
describe. Though I don't see in myself what you see.
I don't know what to say.
I'm in Calgary right now, trying to keep things going.
Complex, scary, I have to face my laziness and all my
demons. But I guess I can manage to do that. I'm in a
strange place ; but so far, fighting, for something or
an other, that's what I've been doing for ever,
somehow.
I hope you're doing great QC, following your bliss,
finding your path, these kinds of things. Keep me
informed, and take care,


Maxime

Some days I feel really lost. This is one of those days.

Time folds in on itself.
Just wait, wait here. Wait here in stone. Let your hands and feet fall
into earth, into the soil where we came from.

Perhaps this is just what a caterpillar feels like
liquifying in his cocoon
not knowing if he'll ever be put back together again
not knowing if he'll ever taste the air again
if he'll ever come out of this self-made shell.

But there isn't a place i can think of
that I'd rather be...there is no other home

except longing for the touch

the life that refuses to diminish from hope.

So just give up. I'm trying to give up
give in to whatever it is that is greater -
the revelation
the return of what was once lost

My heart says
just be, just let this be
stop hoping
stop digging into the past that never was

And Rilke tells me

fear not the strangeness you feel
the future must enter you long before it happens
just wait for the birth, for the hour of new clarity

And Oliver tells me
...do the only thing you can do...
...save the only life you can save...

And so i sit, in shadow, in stone
waiting
waiting for my wings to unfold...

Poem Written on a Grey Morning

Sometimes in my sadness,
I wonder if I'll ever be great
I wonder if I'll ever live up
to even my own expectations.

It is so human
to feel not good enough,
inadequate and useless,
to feel unworthy of love.

Sometimes it seems that everyone else
is suceeding,
while we stay behind in darkness

or it seems that failure surrounds us,
and we too will inevitably fail.

~

Life is not a mean to an end.
Success was never what we came here for.

We came here for the sun, that rises adamantly every morning,
and for the clouds that obscure it on grey mornings.
We came here for the summer grass that tickles our bare feet
with it's cool fingers.
And most of all, we came here to know that life itself
is an end -
A place safe in time
to breathe the warm air,
and to be delighted when love knocks
unexpectedly on our door.

Hi Lorin,

For some reason you were on my mind this morning, and a voice told me to email you. What mysterious forces drives us I don't know, but there is a reason for all things we are made to do, and I trust that there is a reason for this correspondance.

I am now living in Vancouver. The rain is steady and constant, and extraordinarily comforting. Here the grass is still green, and so are the bamboo leaves outside my living room window.

I was in an interesting place in my life when I first met you. It was a painful place and for the most part, I was lost in my own head, swimming in a sea of daydreams. I had decided to leave school, to forfeit a full scholarship and to leave behind everything that I had grown confident and safe in. I had to do it because it wasn't my life I was living, it was a life of expectations and obligations and I couldn't do that any longer.

People came in and out of my life during those times, many who are now but an anonymous face in my past. But you for some reason remain distinct and unforgettable. I think it's because when I look into you, I see someone who is very close to his personal beauty. There is a spark in you, a glow that has outlived all your dissapointments and pains. So many in this world simply give up, believing that love is a game for children, and that life is something to be lived and lost, but I see that you see there is something much much more than that.

When I looked into you, I saw a reflection of myself and so in you, I found understanding. I know it sounds strange - we barely exchanged any words in the time we knew each other - but you were a light in my life.

I hope this letter finds you well. I know that you struggle a lot of the time, trying to decide whether or not the future holds the treasure you have looked your whole life for. I don't know if you've found it yet, perhaps you have and you are wondering whether or not it will last. I dont' know, but what I do know is that one day you will look upon your life with true joy and love, because you deserve it. You live the life of a melancholy optimist Lorin...and that is a beautiful life worth living.

In respect,
QC

We live in a world of lost souls. Our lives are fragments of memories, disappointments from the past, childish dreams...
Why are we here?
Why do we choose to live?

Where lies our salvation?

The answer is here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHi32mKjkSo

Dear Maxime,

I met you on a spring afternoon. When I first saw you,you were asleep, or at least pretending to be. I was unaware of the significance of that moment. But now, Isee how amazing it is, how every choice we made and every path we took in our lives led us to that oneplace where our roads intersected.

You know, I never expected to fall in love with you,but I did. At that point in my life, I wasn't ready for love, nor did I think it would meet me. Perhaps that's why our lives crossed so briefly - the love would have destroyed me.

Now, in this new place in life, I find that you are often on my mind. Funny how that happens. Although I thought about you over the past half year, it was as if in a faded memory, distant and far away. But now, with each passing day, I find you drawing closer and closer. I am confused by these stirrings, I am confused by how close you feel - time and distance should have dissolved these emotions.

I don't really know what this is, this love. It sits patiently at the surface of the wall of my heart, waiting, as if there would be a moment when it plans to show itself in its glory. The love I had felt before was so passionate, so wild, so full of youth and freedom and at the same time, ego. It was a love that was selfish, a love I couldn't let myself express unless I knew the other person loved me back. But this...this is something more. There is peace here, as if my heart says "if I never see you again, what I felt and feel for you...it is enough, let that be enough."

I don't know where our lives will lead us. I don't know if I'll ever see you again, or if we will ever get the chance to become more than what we are, two friends who deeply respect and love each other. But I guess the reason I am writing this is just to say that I love you, and that I believe in you so don't ever be afraid of being alone because you're not.

One day you will find the home that you are looking for.

Stay young Maxime, Stay beautiful.

Sincerely yours,
QC

I feel like I'm spinning my wheels today. There's so much energy inside of me and seemingly nowhere to channel it. I know that I have so many abilities. I want to develop them, but it's frustrating when currently there aren't any oppurtunities for me to do that. Perhaps I'm just blind and don't see them. I don't know.

Whatever it is I'm coming to the edge of my nerves and I won't be able to stand doing nothing for too much longer. I guess when that happens I'll head out into the world looking and searching relentlessly for something to fulfill me. This has happened before, I remember it now. After grade nine I realized my own capabilities and I began digging and clawing for oppurtunities. I must've sent out dozens of emails and just walked around the city trying to discover new things. That original search eventually led me on a journey of 3 years of volunteer work trying to make the community a better place. It was awesome, beautiful, exciting. The best of all were the people I met, the friendships that were made and the feelings of infinity and immortality. The feeling that I was finally doing something with my life...

But those feelings faded when the need for my own growth came. Growth that had to be done alone on dark nights of the soul. And I discovered that what once fulfilled me no longer did, so I went in search for something new. Meditation and spiritual practice brought a certain sense of peace, but it wasn't what I was truly looking for. I see now that the spiritual path can not be walked simply by doing those things that are deemed spiritual in nature, but it must be walked with emotion and creativity as well. All parts of the soul must grow befor enlightenment can be reached.

At this point in my life I'm starting from scratch again. I guess that's why I came here in the first place, to start anew. I had to leave the comfort of home to discover a new home. It's time for me to become completley humble again, to admit that I know nothing in the big scheme of things. All I have is what is within me, the experience and knowledge of the years, and my faith in god and the universe.

So whatever it is I'm supposed to do, I pray now to whatever it is that is greater than me to lead me to the right places, the right people and the opputunities that will show me once again that there is something beautiful and unseen about the way the world moves forward.