My life is a perpetual path towards alienation, but don't get me wrong. It's not that I feel more and more alone but rather the opposite. I find that with each new moment of my life, I edge further away from the epicenter of humanity, and in this process, I become more intimately intertwined with my own humaness, my uniqueness.
I drift from moment to moment, from emotion to detachment. I am afloat on a wind of my own making.
I love sitting on the train and watching. Watching the lives swirling around me, the thoughts, the ego, the love. If people only knew the beauty I saw in them...perhaps they wouldn't be so scared of me. That's one thing I've noticed lately, that people are scared of me. When I walk into my hair salon, the women grow uncertain. It is as if my very presence makes them uncertain of who they are, of who they think they are. Perhaps it's because I allow myself to love them, but when they come to seek that love, I'm not ready to give it the way they want me to. I have my own space, my own world. Perhaps I am inaccessible, mysterious, palpable yet forever unattainable.
And life is full of contradictions. I find that my relationships with people become deeper, but the deeper I go the further away from them I feel, as if connection is some sort of inversed telescopic lense. What is far away seems so close you can touch it, what is close is infinitely distant...
Why do I always feel so distant?
It is only when I watch a movie, read literature, devour philosophy that I find some sort of connection. These writer, directors sometimes seem like my only understanding, but only at a distance. If I were to meet them in person, that connection would disappear.
When I try to break apart this life, the answers become more and more unattainable. scrutinizing makes my head spin, and my eyes unfocused. And yet when I just be, accept, flow, life seems to be the simplest thing.
...Life itself is an end, a moment safe in time,
to breathe the warm air,
and to be delighted when love knocks,
unexpectedly at your door...
I drift from moment to moment, from emotion to detachment. I am afloat on a wind of my own making.
I love sitting on the train and watching. Watching the lives swirling around me, the thoughts, the ego, the love. If people only knew the beauty I saw in them...perhaps they wouldn't be so scared of me. That's one thing I've noticed lately, that people are scared of me. When I walk into my hair salon, the women grow uncertain. It is as if my very presence makes them uncertain of who they are, of who they think they are. Perhaps it's because I allow myself to love them, but when they come to seek that love, I'm not ready to give it the way they want me to. I have my own space, my own world. Perhaps I am inaccessible, mysterious, palpable yet forever unattainable.
And life is full of contradictions. I find that my relationships with people become deeper, but the deeper I go the further away from them I feel, as if connection is some sort of inversed telescopic lense. What is far away seems so close you can touch it, what is close is infinitely distant...
Why do I always feel so distant?
It is only when I watch a movie, read literature, devour philosophy that I find some sort of connection. These writer, directors sometimes seem like my only understanding, but only at a distance. If I were to meet them in person, that connection would disappear.
When I try to break apart this life, the answers become more and more unattainable. scrutinizing makes my head spin, and my eyes unfocused. And yet when I just be, accept, flow, life seems to be the simplest thing.
...Life itself is an end, a moment safe in time,
to breathe the warm air,
and to be delighted when love knocks,
unexpectedly at your door...
posted by QC at 8:38 PM
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